Introduction

Hearing the voice of spirit
A year or so into my travels, I met an astrologer in Varanasi, India, who told me I was very depressed and disconnected from life. I could not relate at all to what he was talking about, as I felt quite happy. A bit empty perhaps, as if I lived in a void, but at least I didn’t walk around on eggshells anymore.
Now in hindsight I can see how frozen I was, as if I just lived from my head, planning on where to go next, just drifting from place to place, avoiding setting down roots anywhere. As I had felt so trapped at home, I now craved freedom.
Then, a few more years into my travelling, when I was living in Tokyo in my early 20s, I met someone. I remember being in the kitchen, with a cup of tea in my hand, when this man from London, a decade my senior, came up to me. I had this inner voice telling me, "Stay away from him," which I thought was a bit odd. I ignored the warning, and we ended up together.
Our relationship opened the gates to all my inner wounds and within a short space of time I abandoned my former self. I was victim-oriented, controlling, needy, and had a deep-seated fear of being rejected. I also developed an eating disorder to try to numb my inner turmoil. I would binge eat and then purge, and it would exhaust me so much, I would fall asleep afterwards.
Hardly surprisingly, this relationship ended and, as it did, I fell into a deep depression, into a darkness that seemed to drain me of my life force. This was in the autumn of 1992. I was 24 years old and living alone in London. I remember having this thought that I looked like a shiny apple on the outside, but inside I was completely rotten.
Then one night, in my tiny little room on Pond Street in Hampstead, I had a dream where I saw myself hanging dead from the ceiling. As I woke up, covered in sweat, I knew I had to change. I could no longer keep blaming my dad, or my ex-boyfriend, for how I was feeling. I knew I had to change my thoughts, but I had no idea how to. The nightmare of seeing myself hanging from the ceiling had really shaken me, as if it was giving me a glimpse into my future, so I sat up in bed, pulled the duvet tighter around me, and I prayed. I had never prayed before, but I was desperate. I didn’t know who else to turn to, so I turned to the Universe, hoping to get an answer.
Nothing seemed to happen at first, but then I got this inner feeling that I should go back to Stockholm. I immediately booked a flight back home.
The very next day I found myself in a spiritual bookshop in my hometown, where three books seemed to just land in my lap—The Power Is Within You by Louise Hay, Love Is the Answer by Gerald Jampolsky, and Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain.
As I started reading these books, I could feel myself getting lighter. It was as if a door to another universe had opened, a light-filled universe, that led me out from this dark world I previously felt trapped in.
I realized that my prayer had been answered as these books gave me the tools I needed to help me change my thinking and connect with the light from Spirit—a light I recognized was also in me. This was such a huge revelation for me; that this light existed within me!
As I kept focusing on this inner light, as I kept choosing love instead of fear, the darkness began to recede. Within six weeks my depression was gone, and within four months my bulimic behaviours had stopped. Just from me choosing to focus on the light, choosing to focus on love, choosing to heal my thinking.
Through healing my thoughts, my mind became more peaceful, which allowed me to hear Spirit’s Voice more clearly. The inner critical voice—the ego’s voice—is so loud and noisy, while Spirit’s Voice is soft, gentle, and loving, so we can only hear it when our mind is peaceful. This loving inner voice guided me to study osteopathy and naturopathy. So one year after having reached rock-bottom, I found myself enrolled in a four-year university degree in Osteopathic Medicine in London.
This loving inner voice also guided me to meet my husband! As I was in my fourth year of osteopathy training, a new clinic tutor walked in, Mr. Williams, and the moment I saw him I heard this inner voice say: "That’s your husband!" We were married on the full moon at the summer solstice the following year, and we are still going strong, nearly three decades later.
I started to trust this inner, loving voice, and it guided me to later study hypnosis, neuro-linguistic programming, and various shamanic healing modalities (including those from the Incas, Norse, and Celts).
I was passionate about sharing with others what I knew—that we have this amazing power within us to heal. Over the next two decades, I helped thousands of clients, patients, and students tune into their inner wisdom. I also set up two spiritual wellbeing magazines—one in Sweden and one in the UK—and founded the podcast Awaken Your Inner Wisdom.
I had no idea that I was about to receive an invitation from my heart to step through another door of initiation that would lead me into the magical realm of the ancient wisdom found in the feminine.
A message from my heart
On a full moon in November, just a few weeks shy of my 52nd birthday—what is it with me and full moons?—I was sitting on my sofa with my laptop, working on an episode for my podcast, when I suddenly experienced extreme chest pain. It was so bad I fell to my knees. The pain was radiating up to my right jaw, and it was hard for me to breathe. The pain lasted for perhaps five to ten minutes. Then it eased, and I felt better.
I sent a text message to my husband, who was teaching osteopathy in London, where I wrote: "Don’t worry, but I’ve just had extreme chest pain, radiating up to my right jaw, but I’m fine now."
Then I sat back down on the sofa and continued editing my podcast episode, as if nothing had happened.
My husband, on the other hand, freaked out and drove straight back home. He pleaded with me to see the GP, but I insisted I was fine now, and I absolutely had to finish this podcast episode, so seeing the GP had to wait.
Then the pain came back, although not as bad. I still felt it was no big deal, but to ease my husband‘s worry, I phoned the GP surgery and was told to come in immediately. I took an ECG test, which revealed signs of a heart attack. I was still ignoring the seriousness of what had happened, but the GP told me that if I felt worse, I needed to go to the hospital.
Over the next few days, I still had chest pain on and off. My husband was getting quite frustrated with me as I did not seem too concerned. In the end, he persuaded me to come with him to John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford, so off we went. As we were sitting there in the waiting room, I took out my laptop from my bag and started typing away.
My husband looked at me and said, "There’s something really wrong with this picture, with you sitting here at the ER with your laptop." I just smiled at him reassuringly and, as I felt fine, I kept on working. I was sure the wait would be a little while, and I just had a tiny bit left to finish off and then the podcast episode would be ready to be uploaded.
At that moment my name was called, and I went to have various blood tests and another ECG done. This too showed signs of a heart attack and my blood pressure was really high. They kept a cannula in my vein in my left arm to make it easier to give me any medication or take more blood. This proved to be very effective in stopping me from working on my laptop, as I could not bend my elbow.
I was taken to another waiting room, and by this stage we had been at the hospital for a few hours, so my husband went to get some sandwiches. This was the first time I was completely alone. And that is when it hit me, as I was sitting there, looking out through the windows at the grey November sky. I had had a heart attack! Just as my mum had when she was only 48.
My mind finally stopped being in denial and I registered the enormity of the situation. I felt overwhelmed by sadness and grief and fear, as I had seen what the heart attack did to Mum. She became a prisoner of her own body.